It is Hard for me to Admit

Since Olive's death and the trauma of the last 4 months, I have noticed some disturbing changes. When people ask me how we are doing, I usually say okay, because I really don't know how to answer that question.

I spend most of my time reliving the last week with Olive, and especially the last couple hours of her life.

My short term memory loss problems have increased....alarmingly so. I have left my purse in a Thai Restaurant (retrieved by my daughter). I often don't remember where I parked. And this week I even took off with the bank's drive-thru deposit container after getting cash. I slowly backed up and when I drove in to replace it, the bank teller consoled me by saying "it happens all the time, thanks for bringing it back." Bless her heart for trying to make me feel better. It just scared me spitless. What was I going to do next? My words and my thoughts don't come together. I'm often embarrassed by what I hear myself say. I wonder aimlessly in a store and tire quickly of shopping. I only shop when I have to, often asking others to pick things up for me. I don't enjoy going to church where there are crowds of people. Being with a few people is better. I have difficulty concentrating when I do the office accounts payable which was always my most enjoyed project for 30 years). I spent a grueling 8 hours yesterday reconciling 3 months of statements.

I have been too embarrassed to admit all this until today when my devotional consoled me that I was not losing my mind. I'm reading "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love" by Mitsch and Brookside. The authors say that

it isn't unusual to "go crazy" following the death of a loved one. Many people experience short term memory loss. The mind becomes paralyzed. People report re-living the last time they saw their loved one alive. Others report a loss of concentration. Some grind their teeth. Others develope symptoms of depression....We rarely ever encounter anyone who is able to tell us how to go about grieving. Grief seems to happen to us rather than happen with our assent.

So, friends, it is actually too frightening sometimes to figure out the answer to the question of how we are doing. Maybe you can tell by my short term memory loss???? and lack of concentration when you ask me a question. Ask me again in about four months. Meanwhile just give us a hug and let us know you are praying for Rusty and Lynette.

I am consoled by hearing your stories of grief. I cried this week with a new widow. A friend sent me a card with her tears. Another friend sent me flowers and took me out for lunch, and we mutually shared our pain. My sister did an errand for me. We have so enjoyed our supper times with R & L. The church, my friends, the medical team at SB Memorial, and you in cyber space have been awesome during this time of loss and grief. Thanks for your notes and love.